a letter to everyone

i’ve struggled with existential angst and identity crises for my entire life. to be fair, it’s a problem of privilege, like most of my other problems.

the past 8 months have been tough though. i’m sorry. i’ve let a lot of people down. i’ve let myself down. here are some hypotheses as to why that may have happened:

i feel lucky to have so many people in my corner. and these aren’t your average joes and joettes. they are the good ones. the rare ones. better than most.

i’ve devoted my life to impact, and to do it in a way worth telling other people about. unfortunately, these two are often incompatible. impactful work is often boring and difficult, hence “being a person that does things”.

i’m pretty good at looking at the bigger picture. i understand fully the outcomes of commitment and dedication over the long frame. boring events compound into great stories and even greater results. i’m having trouble acting according to my sound logic.

it’s embarrassing having quit, failed, or given up on everything. recently, i’ve lost respect for myself. 14 year old krish would not be happy with how i’ve turned out. how can i deserve others’ respect when i don’t even deserve my own? i hope to rekindle relationships when i believe i deserve their respect.

i’m turning 20 soon. i had expected more of myself by now. in hindsight i knew i could have done more. i understand i’m still young, but my failure route was to become a normie. i’ve failed way too often. the struggles of a normie life have crept up on me:

• finances
• relationships
• plans for my future

Why am I exceptional only tells half the story. i could fill 10x more space with what is wrong with me. but analysis can only get me so far.

i understand the cost of life is time. but i was raised to be safe and smart with money. that requires a lot of thinking. which requires time. i’m finding it difficult to abide by a simple axiom: do good work, and enough money will come. i’m wasting time.

i’ve also realized that being rich is insanely useful for impact. all of the people doing things i look up to were already rich because of something boring. sam altman sold some random company. same with max hodak, although his was slightly cool. i’ve been contemplating whether getting rich through boring means is an adequate first step to conquer my goals.

writing was harmonious in my life. it adds balance. without it, i spiral out of control. i’ve been forgetting to write. my bad.

i’ve often thought i needed to hit rock bottom in order to bounce back up. in both a good and bad way, my life has been constructed with a coasting option. i’m so lucky that I can never hit rock bottom. so instead i’ve buried myself in a 10 foot hole and consistently dug sideways.

most of all, i lack grit and dedication. because of the wonderful way my life has turned out, i haven’t needed to commit to anything. i’ve never needed anything to work out. good work is hard and hard work is good. i’m just a bum.

some would call this burn out, but i haven’t yet been aflame.

so i’m sorry. i think i still require some time to reinvent myself. i promise i will do work of meaning and impact, i do. but for now i just need a reason to smile.

Thank You